Drunk Dialing
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Salem calls Rios while hammered in the middle of the night, forcing him to come over and take care of him.


_Admit it, we all know this guy...I call mine "Skylar".  
_

* * *

Rios jumped up suddenly when he heard a high pitched noise, startling Samantha awake as well. It took him a moment to realize that the sound was his cellphone ringing. "Don't answer it," Samantha sighed as she fell back to her pillow.

"I have to. It's my idiot," Rios replied when he looked at the caller ID. He answered the phone with an annoyed and deadly-sounding tone. "What do you want, Elliot?" Salem's reply was rushed, mumbled gibberish that didn't really sound like words from any language not spoken by Elder Gods. "Oh fuckin' a, you're drunk, aren't you?" he asked. Salem continued mumbling incoherently. "I can't understand you, Elliot. Use your smart-words."

"Just leave him be and go back to bed," Samantha said.

Rios ignored her demand. He very well couldn't just hang up on Salem unless he was sure he was okay. He didn't want to hang up and find out later that Salem had killed someone driving drunk, or ended up in the ER with alcohol poisoning again, or maybe jumped out of a window to see if it would give him undead, supernatural powers like in The Crow using only the kind of troll logic that he could come up with while drunk or something.

"Where are you? Is someone with you right now?" Rios asked.

"_Uh huh," _Salem replied.

"Could you hand them the phone, please?" he requested. He hoped that whoever he was with wasn't as drunk as Salem was or it would take forever for him to find him.

It took Salem an agonizingly long time to pass the phone along, or maybe it just felt that way because Rios was worried about Salem's well-being. Eventually Rios heard an unfamiliar voice saying, _"Y'ello?"_

"Who is this?" Rios asked.

"_Look, I have no idea who you or your friend are, but he just walked up to me and shoved his phone in my hand...he looks pretty plastered,"_ the voice replied.

Rios nearly face-palmed. "Could you tell me where he is so I can come and get him?"

"_The bar on 15th Street...you might want to hurry. He's staring at some girl's tits and I think her boyfriend's about to knock him out."_

Rios groaned. If Salem was a chalk outline on the sidewalk by the time he got there, he swore he'd take up necromancy so he could raise him from the dead and kill him all over again. "Thanks for your help. Tell him I'm on my way," he replied before hanging up.

Samantha watched him get out of bed and start throwing on the first thing he saw on the floor. "You're not seriously going out in the middle of the fucking morning and getting him, are you?" she asked.

"I have to. Last time he got this drunk, he declared he was Batman and then stood in the park and screamed at random families like a crazy homeless person. The cops tased him three times."

"How many families are really going to be in the park at this hour for him to scream at?" she asked. Rios turned his head towards her and glared at her silently from the edge of the bed. "Okay, fine. Go get him. But you're not bringing him back here!"

"No, of course not," he shook his head. "It's not like the neighbors don't already hate us enough for letting him come here so often."

Rios snatched his car keys off the hook in one fluid motion on the way out the door and nearly ran over an opossum as he pulled out of the driveway. He practically sped down the street, hoping that he didn't get stopped by the police on the way there. There was no telling how long Salem would stay in one place before he decided to try and drive home on his own and he really didn't want his friend to get killed in a drunken bar fight. He didn't doubt Salem's ability to hold his own in a fight while sober, but he could barely aim his piss while he was drunk let alone defend himself from an aggressor.

Luckily, Salem was still at the bar when Rios got there. The second Salem saw him, he leaned forward to give him a hug and fell right off the bar stool. If Rios hadn't been standing there to catch him, he would have faceplanted on the floor. A pair of girls gave them a dirty look when Salem stumbled into one of them and spilled her drink while trying to stand up again.

Salem slurred something that Rios interpreted to mean, "Can you get me another beer? That bitch won't let me have one." He looked over his shoulder at the bartender, who was cleaning up the mess he'd made on the counter. She must have cut him off, prompting Salem to call him so he could complain about it.

"Sorry bud, but I think you've had enough," Rios shook his head. Salem was too drunk to complain and allowed himself to be lead through the bar, which was starting to clear out as it got later. "How many beers did you drink?" he asked.

"Three," Salem replied.

"Only three?"

"Mm-hmm," he nodded.

Rios stared at him skeptically. "Yeah, if you say so."

"Fuck, it got dark!" Salem exclaimed as he left the bar, confirming that he must have arrived sometime while the sun was still up. Salem tried to look up and lost his balance, almost falling over backwards and twisting Rios' arm at a painful angle when he tried to catch him.

Rios opened the passenger side of his car and nodded towards the seat. "Okay, get in." He watched as Salem promptly faceplanted on the seat. He waited a moment to see if he'd correct himself, but Salem remained perfectly still. "You still awake?" he asked. Slight movement in his arm as Salem attempted to push himself up confirmed that he was.

Rios struggled to get him into the car. He practically had to pick him up and place him inside when the step proved to be too high for him to climb. Salem was relatively quiet the rest of the way home at least. He leaned his head against the window and began to doze off during the ride home, a few times springing upright before slowly fading again. He hoped he'd stay asleep when they got home so he could just carry him in, tuck him into bed, and then go back home, but the very second they pulled into the apartment parking lot, Salem jerked away from the window and vomited all over himself. The vast amount of liquids and lack of food in his stomach made it extremely runny. It ran down his body onto the seat and floor and soaked in. The smell caused Rios to gag a few times.

"I'm not even going to say anything..." Rios grumbled. Salem leaned his head back against the window and slowly started to fall asleep once more, completely oblivious to the fact that he was now covered in the contents of his stomach.

There was no way in hell Rios could get him out of the car without getting vomit all over himself. Samantha probably wouldn't let him back into bed with her until he burned his clothes and took a shower. Salem insisted on walking back to his apartment by himself despite the fact that he could barely climb two steps on his own without falling over the railing. Eventually Rios convinced him to allow him to help and ended up piggybacking him the rest of the way up when he sat down at the bottom of the stairway and refused to move, no matter how much Rios yanked on his arm or yelled at him. Fuck the cheap ass landlord for not fixing the damn elevator...

"Welcome home," Rios said when he finally got Salem inside.

He tried to get Salem's puke splattered clothes off of him, but he fought him every step of the way. Rios eventually decided this battle wasn't worth it and decided to let him sleep in it. At this point he just wanted to get him into bed so that he could go home. He didn't think that would be too hard considering Salem was passing out in the car. He tucked him in, stopped in the kitchen to try and wash some of the vomit off his shirt in the sink, and grabbed his keys off the table on the way to the door.

Rios should have known it wouldn't be that easy. He didn't even have the lock off the door before he heard footsteps rushing up behind him and felt a pair of arms tightly wrapping around his waist. "Salem..." he said threateningly.

"I love you," Salem blurted out. He leaned his head affectionately against Rios' shoulder in an awkward snuggle.

Rios was torn. He wanted to yell at him, but how could you be angry with him after that? It was like yelling at a toddler because they drew you a big, happy smiley face on your wall with crayon. Instead he turned around and tried to persuade Salem back into bed. "I love you too. Come on, you need to go to sleep."

Salem stumbled along backwards as Rios continued to push him towards his room. Walking was very awkward and he nearly tripped over Salem a few times. He wished he'd turn around and watch where the hell he was going.

"You're not staying?" Salem asked after Rios tucked him into bed a second time and started to leave.

Rios thought about it a moment. "No," he shook his head. He noticed the hurt look on Salem's face and hoped he wasn't about to cry. "I have to get back to Samantha before she..." Salem silently pleaded with him to stay. He could tell from the look in his eyes that he really wanted Rios nearby. He considered that might be a good idea since he couldn't trust Salem not to get back up again. "Okay, I'll stay, but just until you fall asleep, got that?" Salem nodded.

Rios sat at the edge of the bed and waited. He could feel the bed moving underneath him as well as hear the constant squeaking of the springs from Salem restlessly moving around behind him. Where the hell did this sudden burst of energy come from? Did he vomit all the tired out of himself or something?

"Go to bed," Rios ordered when he heard him getting up again.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Salem protested.

Rios sighed and nodded, then watched him stumble around like a zombie. "Here, let me help you," he offered. The sooner he could get him to go to the bathroom and get back to bed, the better.

He'd hoped his job would just entail getting him to the bathroom, but once he got there he realized that Salem couldn't even stand long enough to finish pissing and ended up holding him upright so he could go. Salem looked over his shoulder at him nervously.

"What, do you have stage fright now?" Rios asked. "Salem, I had to hold your dick for you so you could piss when you got tendinitis in both your arms. Just fucking go and get it over with!" Reluctantly, Salem decided to just go ahead and do it. Even with help, he was completely unable to aim, which didn't surprise Rios in the slightest. He didn't say anything knowing that he wasn't going to have to clean it up later.

Once he got Salem back into bed again, he sat back down and waited for him to fall asleep. He tried to ignore the fact that Salem was staring at the back of his head and tried to occupy himself with a game on his cellphone. Eventually Salem crept up behind him and smacked the phone out of his hand.

Rios watched it clatter to the floor up against the wall. "Why?" he asked, not even really all that stunned by his actions at this point. Salem hung onto him and stared at him over his shoulder. Rios turned and grabbed him, dragging him back up and plopping him down. "Go to bed," he ordered.

"I don't want to!" Salem whined.

"Yeah, I gathered," he nodded. "Go to bed anyway."

Almost an hour later, Rios was still sitting at that spot at the end of the bed, listening to Salem shifting about, dodging pillows that were chucked his way, and answering random questions that Salem asked as they popped into his head. He was seconds from just tying him down and leaving him there until he got up sometime in the afternoon tomorrow and came to let him out.

"Okay, you know what? I don't even care at this point," Rios said when Salem glomped him again. "I'm sleeping on the couch. Feel free to be a drunk dumbass in here all you want, but don't bother me out there." He would have just left but by now he was too exhausted to drive. He didn't want to risk falling asleep at the wheel and he very well couldn't sleep in the car with it smelling so strongly of puke and beer.

Rios shut the door behind him and held the knob until Salem stopped trying to open it. Leaving the door shut, he made his way to the couch, took off his vomit-stained shirt, and plopped down across the couch. He almost fell asleep instantly, but then heard Salem's bedroom door open. "Fuck me," he said in a threatening tone when Salem crawled over the back of the couch and flopped on top of him.

Salem snuggled against him and slowly became still. Rios suddenly realized that he was finally falling asleep and refrained from moving, hoping that he would doze off quickly and stay asleep this time. When he heard a gentle snore, he tried to pull out from under him, only to feel Salem's arms tighten around him to hold him in place. With a heavy sigh, he attempted to fall asleep as best as he could with Salem snoring in his ear.

* * *

Upon waking the next morning, Alice realized she had 42 text messages on her phone, all from Salem, and each one of them growing increasingly more incoherent. Some of them were a bit vulgar in what might have been a drunken attempt to be flirty and would have been uncomfortable to read if they weren't so damn hilarious. Salem would definitely regret them later, that was for sure. After three phone calls went unanswered, she decided to stop in to check on him to make sure he made it home okay. She doubted he'd answer the door and was glad that he'd given her a key previously so she could care for a pet he'd had at the time.

She tried to be quiet on the way in. If he was here he was probably hungover and she didn't want to disturb him. She froze when she got to the living room and tried to stifle her giggling when she saw Rios and Salem asleep and cuddling on the couch. She dug her phone out of her pocket and started taking pictures. No way was she going to let them forget about this.

* * *

Rios heard someone coming in and looked up just in time to witness Alice snapping a picture of them on her phone. He realized the compromising situation he was in and immediately tried to shove Salem off. "Erase those!" he demanded frantically.

"I'm posting these on Facebook," she replied with a bit of sadistic glee.

She walked away while Rios struggled to wake Salem so he could get up. Unfortunately Salem didn't sleep so much as he fell into a coma for a few hours every night, especially when he'd been drinking. He'd managed to sleep through both a hurricane and the meth lab explosion that took out an entire house across the street from where he lived already. If a zombie apocalypse started overnight, he'd be like Cillian Murphy waking up in the aftermath with no idea what had happened. Eventually Rios managed to pry Salem's arms off of him and shoved him to the floor before attempting to chase after Alice, when he realized his leg was asleep, crippling him instantly. Salem just continued snoring on the floor, completely oblivious to the fact that he'd been roughly thrown onto the hardwood.

"Tell Elliot that I appreciate the texts, but I'm not interested," she told him with a smile. She spun around and started to walk back out the door with Rios crawling after her.

"I know where you live!" Rios shouted after her. He looked back towards the couch when he heard Salem finally beginning to stir.

"I miss something?" Salem groaned and clutched his head when he felt an intense, throbbing pain.

"You are the devil and I hate you," Rios replied.


End file.
